KAYBETTİKLERİM ARASINDA EN ÇOK KENDİMİ ÖZLÜYORUM!
Bir çocuğun çocukluğunda bulmak kendini. Oyunlar oynamak onunla, masumiyetine hayran kalıp, kendi masumiyetini hatırlamak sonunda. Aslında bu, bir çocuğu etkilemeye çalışırken onun etkisinde kalmak, masumiyetinin büyüsüne kapılmak. Olması gerekende bu değil mi aslında. Yalnızca iyiyi görmekle hatırlamak değil elbette. İyi kalabilmeyi öğrenmek ise hiç değil. İyi kalmayı unutmamak aslında tüm mesele . Her yeni, bir şekilde eskiyi yerinden ediyor. Duygular da böyle. Yeni bir acı eski acıları unutturur, yeni bir mutluluk da var olan mutlulukları. Çok ta kolay olur her nedense. Dön bak geçmişine, tüm kaybettiklerine. Eksik kalan, eksik olan ne içlerinde bir sor kendine. Hangisini özlediğine bak.
Zaman bir şekilde tamamlıyor kendini. Kendine özgü bir sarmal oluşturmuş. Peki ya sen? Dününü, bugününü, geleceğini nasıl tamamladın? Eksikler nerede? Her yer mi eksik yoksa ya da bir yerin eksikliği her şeyin tamam olsa bile eksik mi hissettiriyor kendini. Sahi, kendinde hiç eksiklik görmeden, ben bulamadım demeyen yaşayan var mı sizce? Neden olmasın. Başkasının eksikliğine odaklanıp, gözünü ona dikmiş birinin kendini görmesi nasıl beklenebilir? Kolay olan da bu değil midir? Başkasının eksikliğinde tam hissetmek kendini, öyle zannetmek.
Her gün, her an yeni yaşanmışlıklara gebe. Bazen ileri götürür bizi bu yaşantılar, bazende olabildiğince geriye. Anılar canlanır, ilk yaşanmışlıklar. Kendimizi özel hissettiren ya da acı veren de hep bunlar olur zaten; ilkler. Buluşması da, etkisi de, büyüsü de çok yüksektir. Bir daha bulamayacağın, karşılaşamayacağın hissine kapılmanı sağlar her daim. Tecrübesizliğin verdiği bir hal vardır burada. Her şeyin cazibesini ve etki gücünü de arttıran budur aslında. Ne yapacağını bilememek, nasıl hissedeceğini öngörememek. Bildikçe hazzı azalır, öğrendikçe etkisi dağılır. Hep eksilir aslında kaybolur. Kaybolmayan biri kalır aslında. O da sen, ben, biz. Hepsi biri işaret eder. Bu yüzden kaybettiklerim arasında en çok kendimi özlüyorum, yaşımın çocuk olduğu zamanları.
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