MİNİK SERÇE!
Değmedi elime ellerinden başkası diyordu. Elleri şimdiden titremeye başlamıştı. Onu ne zaman görse hep böyle oluyordu. Bana ne oluyor diye sorardı kendine bazen. Sonra diyordu, seviyorsun onu. Bu ilk kabul edişiydi sevdiğini. İlk itirafıydı kendine. Ona ne zaman söylemeliydi peki? Bilemedi. Hemen dışarı attı kendini, yürümeye başladı. Adımları düşüncelerinden de hızlıydı ilerlerken. İçinde bir yerler yanıyor gibiydi. Sokaktaki mısırcıdan su almıştı bir şişe. Bir seferde bitmişti ama hala yanıyordu içi. Dinmemişti.
Sahil kenarıydı yürüdüğü yol. Evi ise üç sokak ötedeydi. Çok seviyordu deniz kenarında yürüyüş yapmayı. Babası alıştırmıştı onu. Hadi geliyor musun derdi, her sahile çıkışında. Hemen tamam derdi babasına.Beraber çıkarlardı yürüyüşe. Yürüyüşten sonra bir banka otururdu ikisi. Babası derdi ; şu denize bak, masmavi. Ne kadar güzel, ucunu görebiliyor musun? Hayır baba, olurdu cevabı. İnsanın düşünceleri, sevgisi, cimriliği ve cömertliği de böyledir. Sınırları yoktur, sonunu göremezsin ve ekledi. İnsan kendinde olanı göremez yavrum, bu yüzden başkalarını yargılamayı seçerler. Çok güzel anlatırdı babası. En güzel zamanları onun yanındaydı. Birden aklına geldi, anlatmak istedi babasına. Çok erken diye geçirdi içinden. Yine elleri titremişti.
Gece olmuştu, saat bire geliyordu. Uyuma vakti gelmişti ama uyuyamıyordu bir türlü. Önceleri ne de güzel uyurdu, şimdiyse olmuyordu. Duygularımda güzel şeyler oluyor dedi. Peki ya uykularımda? diye ekledi. Adı mutluluk muydu bunun yoksa huzursuzluk mu? Tarif edemedi. Çekti yorganı üzerine. Göz kapaklarını kapatamadı gözlerine, açık kaldı tüm gece boyunca. Kendi içinde yaşadığı bu duygu selini, onunlayken yaşayabilecek miydi? Yanındayken hiçbir şey söyleyemem ki ben ona. Yanındayım ya o bana yetti bile dedi, kapanmıştı gözleri.
Sabah olduğunda pencereye minik bir serçe konmuştu. Kanatlarını çırpıyordu. Uyanmıştı o da uykusundan. Ne oluyor diye bakındı pencereye. Çok garip gelmişti, şimdiye dek penceresine hiç kuş konmamıştı. Sevinmişti, iyiye yordu bunu. Ne güzel bir sabah dedi kendine. Doğruldu yatağından pencerenin önüne koştu hemen. Usulca açtı pencereyi. Kuşsa oradaydı hala kaçmamıştı. Dokunmak istedi, sevmek istedi onu. Sevdi de, kaçmadı. Nasıl olur diye düşündü. Ona göre pencereyi açtığı anda uçmalıydı, öyle olmadı. Onun aklındaki kuş uçmuştu fakat pencere önündeki kuş kalmayı, sevilmeyi seçmişti. Baktı aynaya hemen ardından da kuşa doğru döndü. Sen benden kaçmadın, ben ise ondan kaçmayı seçtim dedi. Sevdiğimi hissettim ama bunu demek istemedim diye ekledi. Korkularım ve düşüncelerim bedenim kadar ağırdı belki ama sevgimin senin kadar hafif olduğunu yeni öğreniyorum. Vakit kaybetmeden aradı, söyledi ona, seviyorum seni. Bir süre sessizlik oluştu. Cevap gelmedi. Bekledi, bende seni dedi. Hafiflemişti. Çok mutluydu. Uykuları kaçmayacak ve uykusuz kalmayacaktı artık.
Dipnot: Korkusu büyük olanın, sevgisi küçük olur. Sevgisi büyük olanın ise korkusu yok olur.
Roman okuyormuşum gibi kaptırıyorum kendimi.. Eline yüreğine sağlık👍
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