SEN HAKLIYDIN!
Umudunu asla kaybetme dedi annem. Hiçbir şeyden haberi yoktu aslında. Olmamalıydı da. Beni üzen şeyi bilsin istemiyordum. Anlamasına dayanamazdım. Doğru olanda buydu bana göre.
Kendi kararlarımı verebiliyorum diyordum ona her konuşmamızda. Tabi dinlemezdi beni. En iyi bildiğini yapar, anlatırdı. Vazgeçmezdi, hele pes hiç etmezdi. Cesurdu, hemde çok. İlk kez tanıştıklarına korkuyu vermesini de bilirdi. Sadece korku da değil güven de verirdi. Yanında olduğumda bende nasiplenirdim bundan. Aynı etki her defasında bana da olurdu çünkü. Özenirdim ona. Gölgesini severdim, hayran hayran bakardım. Dayanamazdı, omzuma heybetli bir el koyardı, yutkunurdum. Dizlerimin bağı çözülür, gözlerimin yaşı dökülürdü.
Büyümeyi belki de bu yüzden hiç istememiştim. Var olan güzel duygularımın büyüdükçe küçüleceğini çok önceden sezinlemiştim. Yaşayarak da deneyimledim. Mayamda sevmek vardı, o yaşımda bile anlamıştım bunu. Benim anladığımı niyeyse anlamıyordu hayatıma girenler. Bir köşede oturuyor gibiydiler. Sanki duyguları, derinlikleri, sahiplenmeleri, kendini kaybetmeleri yoktu. Kendileri vardı yalnızca ve kendini önemsemeleri. Bir başkasına bunları yaşamayı, yaşatmayı düşünmüyor gibiydiler. Hayret ederdim onlara. Olanı yaşamak, aklındakileri yaşamaktan daha kolaydı aslında. Bir türlü fark edemediler bunu nedense. Sevdiğine hapsolacağına, aklına ve düşüncelerine hapsoldular.
Vazgeçmedim yine de sevmekten. Elbette sevmeyi bilen biri çıkacaktı karşıma. Üç yılda bir, on yılda bir ya da elli senede bir. Ne fark ederdi geç ya da erken olması. Önemli olan çıkmasıydı. Fırsatı kaçırmamaktı. Alabildiğince yaşamaktı, sevmekti onu. Aynı zamanda sevilebilmekti de. Umudun, hayatın, sevmenin, yeyip içmenin keyfi, doyumu işte o zaman anlam kazanacaktı. Üzüntüler, acılar ise son bulacaktı. Buldu da. Umudumu kaybetmedim anne, bu yolculukta. Hayallerimi, acılarımı, bazı günlerimi ve beni sevmeyenleri kaybettim. Olması gerektiği gibi aynen. Sen haklıydın.
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