OLDUĞU GİBİ SEVEBİLMEK!
Karşılaştım onunla, bir okul koridorunda. Sınıfın kapısının önünde öylece bakıyordu bana. Dalmıştı gözleri, donup kalmıştı sanki. Hangi hayalleri kuruyordu benle ilgili merak ediyordum. Beğenmişti o kadar derin bakışlar attığına göre. Öyle olsun istiyordum. İnandırmaya çalışıyordum kendimi. İnandım da.
Zaman hızla geçiyordu. Bizim zamanımız ise daha yeni başlıyordu onunla. Yürüyecek yollarımız, izleyecek filmlerimiz, uzaklara dalıp bakacağımız manzaralarımız, zamanın durmasını isteyeceğimiz mutluluklarımız olacaktı. Tüm bunlardan belki haberi yoktu ama hepsini benle yaşayacaktı. Kendime bu denli inandığımın daha fazlasına inandığını, onunla yaşarken bende öğrenecektim. Öğrendim de. Sadece zaman almadı elbet bunlar, beni benden de aldı aynı zamanda.
Bir gün beni olduğum gibi sev, aynen benim yapabildiğim gibi dedi. Şaşırmıştım, ürpermiştim bu söz üzerine. Nasıl seviyordum ki? Sevmekte öğrenilmesi gereken bir duygu muydu? Bildiklerimiz yetmiyor muydu bunu başarabilmek için? Aklım karışmıştı. Paylaştım onunla. Nasıl olacaktı bu? Benim ben olduğumu kabullenerek, ne yaptığımı nasıl yaptığımı gözlemleyerek, mutluluğumu paylaşarak ve en önemlisi de beni anlayarak. Kendi düşüncelerinle değil, benim sana söylediklerimle.
Günlerce anlamaya çalıştım, her bir kelimeyi, cümleyi. Yanımdaydı her zaman olduğu gibi. Olduğu gibi sevebilmek dedim kendime. Hiç kimsenin demediği bir şeydi bu. Kişinin olmadığı, olamayacağı gibi sevmek istiyordu insanlar sevdiklerini. Tüm uğraşlarını, kavgalarını belki de bunun için veriyorlardı. Kim bilir. Başkasının ne istediğini bilemiyordum ama ne istediğime karar vermiştim. Ağzımdan dökülen cümlem şu olmuştu: Ben olmama izin veriyorsun ve beni daha iyi bir ben yapıyorsun. Peki o ne mi dedi? Herkes kendi hikayesinde arasın cevabını.
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