İKİLİ DELİLİK!
Bir şeylerin sonu olduğunu ondan önce bilmiyordum. Bilmekte istemiyordum aslında. İstemekle istememenin fayda etmeyeceğini ise hiç düşünmemiştim. Niye, neden böyle oluyor diye sürekli soruyordum kendime. Hep kendimi suçlamak istiyordum. Onda da hata olabileceği aklıma gelmiyordu. Gelse de yine her şey başa dönüyordu, yani bana.
Her günümüz birbirinden güzel geçiyordu aslında onunla. Beraber bulunduğumuz semtin sokaklarında dolaşırdık mesela. Geçtiğimiz kaldırımlar bizi tanırdı. Her yerde ayak izlerimiz vardı. Beni büfenin orada beklerdi. Anlamı büyük buranın benim için derdi. Seni hatırladığım ve unutmak istemediğim bir yer artık burası demişti bir seferinde. Benim için herhangi bir yerdi orası. Ama o sözünden sonra öyle olmadı, olamadı.
Bir gün ekmek almaya gittim büfeye, öyle sanıyordum en azından. Hiçte öyle olmadı. Buluşmalarımı, ona sarılmalarımı almıştım sanki İştahım kesilmişti. Ona benziyor, onun gibi hissediyordum Noluyordu bana? Uzun zaman olmuştu onu görmeyeli. Özlemiştim belli ki. Sadece bir özlem miydi bu yoksa çok daha fazlası mı? Tuhaf hissediyordum kendimi. Başım dönmüştü hafiften, tenim buz kesmişti, bir titreme sarmıştı bedenimi. Dokunmak istemiştim ona, konuşmayı, en çok ta ona bakmayı özlemiştim.
Zordu ondan ayrı kalmak, hasreti ağır gelmişti. Halbuki o kadar teselli etmiştim kendimi. Her gün onsuz yapabileceğimi düşünürken, yapamadığımı anlamıştım. Keşke o olsaydı yanımda, düşüncelerim olmasaydı. Konuşmasa bile sadece baksaydım ona, gözümü hiç ayırmadan. Göz kapaklarım ağrıyana ya da yüzünü benden çevirene kadar. O da beni özlemişti hiç çevirmedi yüzünü, uzun uzun seyretti beni. İkili delilikti bu. Onla olmuyor gibiydi, oluyor gibi de değildi.
Mükemel yazı yazı yorsunuz ben cok ama cok beğendim diger yazları ‘da görürüz inşalah başarılar dilerim size bu hayata
Çok güzel bir yazı…
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