AYRILIĞIN GÜCÜ!
Anıların daha dün gibi yaşanmışlığı hissi uyandıran, cüzdanında fotoğraf saklattıran, çekmeceleri karıştırırken sana yazdığı notlara rastladığın, okurken o duyguyu yanında gibi yaşadığın, el ele tutuşmanın hazzına vardığın, sarıldığında tek bedenmiş hissine kapıldığın, bir gülüşüne kendini saldığın, yemek yiyişine bayıldığın, ona kızınca dünyaya darıldığın, her şeyden nefret ettiğinde sevgisine sarıldığın, en güzel çiçekleri ona almak için çiçekçinin kapısını çaldığın, uyuduğun, uyandığın, uykuya dalamadığın, hasret kaldığın, kalbini dağladığın, ömrünü ona adadığın, hep yanında olacakmış gibi yaşadığın, kendini bu fikre adadığın an gelen acı; Ayrılık.
Çok azımız ayrılığa alışmadan yaşıyoruz hayatı. Hiç görmeden, tanımadan, bilmeden. Hayat onları teğet geçmiştir, yakmamıştır canlarını. Çok şanslı sayarız onları. Biz ise karanlığızdır, en karanlık geceden daha karanlıktır içimiz. Aydınlanmamızı sağlayan tek şey acıdır. Bu acıyı unutmak, ondan kurtulmaya çalışmaktır artık tüm çabamız. Uyumayı deneriz mesela ama beceremeyiz bir türlü, uyku tutmaz. Şehrin en güzel manzarasına gideriz. Biraz rahatlasın, dinlensin ruhumuz diye, onu da başaramayız. İçteki güzellik kalmayınca dıştaki güzelliklerin faydasının olmayacağını anlarız. Onu hatırlamak için bir sebep daha bulmuşuzdur kendimize, kendiliğinden hemde. Unutmaya, aklımızdan çıkarmaya çabalarken daha fazla sağlamlaştırmaya başladığımızın farkında değilizdir yerini. Günler geçtikçe farkına varırız. Acıyı güce dönüştürebilirsek onun bize tatlı geldiğinin farkına varmaya başlarız. Aşkı anlatan romanlar, söylenen tüm şarkılar ya da duyageldiğimiz aşklar hep böyle olmamış mıdır? İşin içine acı katıldıkça daha derin anlam kazanmıştır her biri. Ayrılığın gücüdür bunu sağlayan.
Sevginin istemekle olmayacağını, yaşayarak oluşmayacağını, hiç neden yokken birinden hoşlandığımız da, kendini sevdirmek için hiçbir şey yapmadığında, bizi düşünmediği anda, onda kaybolduğumuz zamanda ararız. Ayrılığın ise tam aksine kendi çabamızla, kelimelerimiz ve yaşantımızla olduğunu kendimizi öyle bir inandırırız ki tüm suçu üstümüze alır, karşı tarafın bizi bırakmasını hak sayarız. Aslında her başlangıç kendi sonunun nereye gideceğini belli eder. Ya bunu başlangıçta anlar mutlu, mesut yaşarız ya da rastgele seyirlere bırakırız kendimizi, olup olmayacağına bakar bir nevi ayrılığa hazırlarız kendimizi.
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