YALNIZLIĞIN KAPISI!
İlk zamanlarımdı üniversitede. Yabancı olduğum bir şehre alışmaya çalışıyordum. Deniyordum en azından. Yeni bir şey istemiştim, olmuştu da. Sadece sevdiklerimi yaşadığım şehirde bırakmak zor gelmişti. Yeni bir şeyler öğrenmeye hazırdım belki. Ama yeni hayatlara hazır mıydım bilmiyordum.
İlk ders ve tüm sıralar dolmuştu. Rastgele oturmuştum. Yanıma kimin oturacağını merak ediyordum. Derken biri oturdu. Yeni tanıştığım insanlardan hep çekinmişimdir, yine öyle oldu. Konuşmak istese de kısa cevaplar veriyordum yalnızca. Merakta ediyordum fakat temkinli olmak daha doğru geliyordu. Derken günler, haftalar, aylar geçmişti. Alışmıştım yeni hayatlara, insanlara. Vaktimin çoğunu onlarla geçiriyordum artık. Çok severdim gezmeyi, bayılırdım hatta. Öyle de oldu. Tiyatrolar, konserler, yeni yerler, yeni yollar hepsini keşfetmek istiyorduk, keşfettik de. Çok eğlenmiştim ilk yılımda.
Derken yılın sonunda onu tanıdım. Çok kısa bir zamanda belki birazda zorla hemde. Tanımadığım, tedirgin olduğum insanlardan birinde kalmayı seçmiştim. Nedenini de anlamamıştım. Hatta sevmemiştim de onu ya da ben öyle sanıyordum. İlginç gelmişti bana, ilgimi de çekmişti. Tedirginlik ve kurallarımı bırakabilmemin sebebi de buydu sanırım. Onu daha iyi tanımak istiyordum ve bu isteğimi bastıramıyordum da. Anlayamadığım bir cesaret gelmişti, gitmekte bilmiyordu. Daha önceleri hiç böyle olmamıştım. Tanımlayamadığım bir histi bu. Ama güzel hissettiriyordu, hemde çok. Devam ettim bende. Durduramadım, durdurmak istemeye çalışsam da kendimi. Her şey olması gerektiği gibiydi belki de. O da beni fark etmişti, tanımak istemişti yanıma oturduğuna göre.
Gezmeyi sevmezdi. Belki de en zıt yönümüz buydu onunla. Müthiş bir uyum yakalamıştık. Sanki yıllardan beri muhabbet edip duruyor gibiydik. Nasıl olabilir bu diye soruyordum kendime. Sus diyordum sonra, bozma büyüsünü. Ruhum ısınmıştı ona, onun ki de bana. En güzel zamanlarımın onun yanında geçeceğinden haberim yoktu ama onun yanı hep güzeldi. Her gün yeniden öğreniyordum bunu. Kendimi onda buluyordum aslında. Evet, evet. Yanındayken ben oluyordum ve beni daha iyi tanıyordum. Çok sonraları anlayacaktım bu söylediklerimi. Ama o benden önce hepsini biliyormuş ve tüm bildiklerini bana anlatıp, öğretiyormuş.
Sevginin en cömert haliydi o. Muhabbetin odağı, yalnızlığın kapısıydı. Bir kere bile geri çevirmedi o kapıdan beni. Her seferinde yeniden aldı. Kovmadı, kızmadı, darılmadı, kaçmadı. Hiçte kovalamadı. Zamanını bekledi ve ekledi sadece. Kendinde olanı görsen, bende olanı terk edersin.
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